The Pause, The Ugly, The Turn

Hey yall.... I don't know where to start. This journey to the big 50 is not panning out the way I had hoped it would. Perimenopause has caused me to rethink life. I recently developed new allergies, which scared/scares me and has caused/causes me to have anxiety attacks. I can't eat anything that I use to love. It seems anything is setting me off. I ended up in the ER three times last week. I don't want to see the inside of a hospital no time soon. Though I have an upcoming appointment with my doctor, I truly don't want to go...but I will (I will keep you posted). 

Am I afraid? I was. I mean...I do have my moments. Trusting God has always been a struggle for me (that's a topic for another time), however, I'm getting better with trusting His word and His voice. It wasn't like He didn't warn me something was coming...he did. I heard Him loud and clear but I didn't think it would be this huge drastic, life-changing and potential life-threatening change. In the times of panic, the most I could say is, "Help me, Father please!". The words He gave to me was to trust Him. Those words went straight out the window. Yep! Which allowed panic and anxiety to set in. 

Even in this moment as I sit in the library, surrounded by people working or reading, I began to have panic. What if a smell set me off? How far am I from the hospital? Will anyone be able to help me? What if? And in the midst of that, I hear God say..BREATHE. Take a deep breath. And so I did. My plan was to pack everything up and go home where I would probably be sad, allowing depression to set in. I stayed. I stayed and decided to work through what I was feeling/is feeling at this very moment. 

Yesterday, I repented to God for not letting go of what was hurting and bothering me. I cried and cried. I believe I have more to release but at least I feel lighter. That's the turn I needed and need. For almost two years now, I couldn't explain what was going on with me. And when I did, it would come out either in sobs or anger. Anger became a part of me. I didn't want to be around anyone. If I was, it was forced...by me. I forced my smile. I forced my laughter. I forced my fun-side. FORCED! That wasn't me. And for those who knew it wasn't me, thank you. You reached out and prayed. You rock! A huge shout-out to my children. They caught/catches me. 

I became so ugly inside. Some understood. Most didn't. This change took me by the hand and led me to a place that was darker than most times in a dark place. This place is not the average alone time. This place made me feel alone in a crowded room. This place made me feel abandoned while being present with those who accepted me. This place, I viewed myself as less than. Low self-esteem to the tenth power. I realized I began to spiral and that's when my wake up call came. 

It was in the moment of my deepest cry out to God. The moment I heard Him say, Daughter, are you finished? I replied yes. He said good, now let's get to work. First thing...rest. Second...pray. Third...change diet. Four...change your mindset. Growing older is inevitable. It's bound to happen to us all. Greiving is a part of it. You grieve what once was. However, embracing the new can be exciting if you allow it to. Discovering your new self can create new moments and memories. Though you crave to go back to what was, what is and what's going to be, can be a great change of life. 

So far, I went back to crocheting, reading more, taking time to sit and do nothing purposely, and listening to music intentionally. I discovered I like cafés, Afro-beats, alone time by the water, taking prayer walks, and making lists of places I want to visit. I'm aiming to start a support group for all the perimenopause super women where we can share, cry, laugh, and enjoy the turn of life. I'll keep you posted. 

This blog isn't structured in a set way. I decided to write what I felt needed to be said in the way I felt to say it. I pray and hope that whoever is reading this, especially women, will find it comforting in knowing you are not alone. Until next blog, have an awesome day, afternoon, or evening. Much love and thanks for reading.